Words are weird. We have these little squiggly lines that somehow coordinate with sounds and when we say them to each other, we know what the squiggly lines are telling us. But who is in charge of coming up with those squigglys? Who says that barn has to mean barn? What if barn meant taco? These questions have plagued me for years, so instead of having an existential crisis with you guys, I’m just going to take some words and change the meanings for sheer entertainment.

Pen-pal: Somebody who follows you around and gives you pens whenever you need to write something.

Panting: Instead of panting after a long run, panting now means to sew denim to make pants.

Frosting: All our cakes will no longer have sweet, delicate icing on top, but ice shavings from my windshield.

Peppermint: Salt and mint, not salt and pepper. Also, pepper flavored gum.

Scholarship: A bunch of people sitting on a boat with notebooks taking annotations on the other academics around them.

Bush: No more woodland creatures lurking in the bushes, but potential presidential candidates instead.

Organic: Everybody in Whole Foods Market has to do organic chemistry equations before checking out their groceries.

Online: Walking on a line, hopefully not stepping out of line.

Palm tree: A tree with hands instead of leaves.

Well that got really weird really quick.

Those are all the ones I have redefined. Feel free to continue my work on Twitter by using #logicallyredefining (just pretend these are logical). It’ll be great to see how many people don’t read these.